He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
he fucked my hip out of place.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
