made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
