google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Two words: nipple clamps
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