I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Randomize