I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
