You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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