as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
