so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
