I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just found puke in my bra..
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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