And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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