The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
