last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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