We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
