Say something about gay babies.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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