if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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