First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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