I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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