Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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