I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize