i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
