my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
