i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
