Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
