Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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