You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
