I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
