Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
