Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
