There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
