Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You ruined the universe
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
