Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
