I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
