He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
