omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
