Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
