I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
