I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
