Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
