just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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