I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm lost and stupid without you.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
