His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
