I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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