you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
