You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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