just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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