this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
