i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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