i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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