when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
