He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
