Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
