so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
