cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
