Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
