I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
