Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
